Walks

I have attempted to take my own life. That does not mean I am broken.

I first came across the Out of the Darkness Community Walk in Binghamton, New York while looking on Facebook for support groups in my area. That was six years ago, when I was in a dark place in my life. I had recently made two suicide attempts after many years of domestic abuse, and not being able to contact my children.

I don’t think I was ready at that time to admit to myself that I needed support to deal with what I was going through – but something compelled me to show up to that first Walk.

I remember I was anxious because I didn’t know what to expect, and I didn’t know anyone. But as soon as I arrived, a lady greeted me with a smile and explained the Honor Beads to me. She pointed over to a table of different colored beads, each one representing a different personal connection to the cause. Red beads represent the loss of a spouse or partner; White the loss of a child; Gold the loss of a parent; etc. Green beads represent personal struggle. That was me.

I looked around, and was shocked to see so many people with green-colored beads. Seeing all these other people with the same color bead as me, it felt like we had an unshakable bond.

For years, I didn’t have anyone I could talk to. My family was too afraid to discuss anything related to mental health. They acted like my attempt had never happened. I think they were worried that if we talked about it, I would revert back to how I was feeling when I made my attempts.

Once I started to hear other people’s stories at the Walk, I felt for the first time like it was okay for me to open up and start to deal with my past.

I left that Walk and knew I wanted to keep coming back.

As time went on, I began attending my local Walk each year. I had found a community where I could talk about what I was going through, and people understood. I’d found other people like me who wanted to make a tough situation into a good thing.

I started to talk more openly about mental health and my experience with my friends and family, too. My family now support me at the Walks.

At each Walk, after I register, I go over to pick up my Honor Beads.

I wear a number of beads: Purple (loss of a friend or relative); Green (personal struggle or attempt); Teal (supporting someone who struggles or who has attempted; and Blue (supporting suicide prevention.) I wear Purple because I have lost three close friends to suicide. Teal is for a close family member who experiences depression and has made an attempt. Supporting that person after their attempt was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I now know of the wonderful support that exists through AFSP.

I have a great relationship with my family and my fiancé now. I know I will have depression the rest of my life. That does not mean I will let it hold me back from anything. I take my feelings and I talk about them. Thanks to AFSP I have learned it’s okay to not be okay. When I am not okay, I get the help I need – and that is what’s important.

Being a part of the AFSP community has given me purpose and has made me feel like I survived my struggles for a reason. I encourage anyone who has battled depression – or who has lost someone or who supports someone – to be a part of this community. Let it give you strength, just as it has done for me. We are all in this together.

I have lost two close friends to suicide. I lost my first friend when I was 15, and he was 16. My second loss was just this past year. Processing the loss of my first friend was extremely difficult. I had talked to him earlier the day that it happened. I asked myself why I didn’t see any of the warning signs, and why he didn’t talk to me, because we talked about everything together. I felt like a failure as a friend.

My recent loss was also difficult, because we lived two hours away, and it was hard to find time to see each other. The difference in my experiencing these two losses is that earlier, it was difficult for me to accept help in my healing because I didn’t want to burden others. I now know that it is extremely important to allow your support system to help you through these times.

I am also a suicide attempt survivor.

My first attempt was at the age of 13. My last attempt was when I was 19. I was bullied for being gay, wearing glasses and being deaf in one ear. I was constantly put down by others. I had come to believe the things that were said to me. I started to feel like the world would be better off without me. My family and friends never knew that I was struggling, because I kept everything inside.

Participating and volunteering at the Milwaukee Out of the Darkness Walk in 2019 was life-changing. I was so moved by the love, compassion and support from everyone at the event.

Prior to that, I had been ashamed to say I was an attempt survivor and that I had lost people close to me from suicide.

I still struggle to this day, but being involved with AFSP has shown me I am not alone.

Attending my first Out of the Darkness Walk inspired me to connect with the Wisconsin chapter and get more involved. I went to the chapter’s website, submitted a volunteer application, and started volunteering at many different events in the community and attending as many education programs as I could to learn more about suicide prevention.

I was our chapter’s Walk Chair in 2021, and I am so proud of the fact that it ended up being one of the top Community Walks in the country. Getting on stage for the opening ceremony was overwhelming. It took me a moment to compose myself because I felt the overpowering love and support from everyone in attendance. The Walks are always a day of HOPE. It doesn’t matter where you come from, or what your story is. Everyone at the Walks has some connection to suicide, or cares deeply about preventing it.

As Wisconsin’s Volunteer Coordinator, and now the incoming board chair for the chapter, I am able to connect with volunteers across the state and help them find their place in AFSP. I feel that my personal connection helps because I am able to share my experiences, and provide resources and knowledge to others who want to get involved and help in their community.

When I have conversations with potential new volunteers, I talk to them about their own connection and tell them about all the great things we do through the chapter. This helps me discover where their own passion lies for helping to make a difference.

Watching new volunteers get involved fills my heart. I see their journeys change through their involvement. I have seen many volunteers not know where they fit in at first. But then, seeing them out in the community connecting with others by sharing their stories, I see them light up. It shows me that people’s perceptions of suicide and mental health are changing and that we CAN create a world without suicide.

MJ
When my 20-year-old son Jake died by suicide in February 2008, my heart was broken. Jake was artistic, athletic, an animal lover, an ardent fan of the San Francisco Giants – and those are just things starting with the letter “A!” He loved his friends and had many. But most of all, he loved his family. I was in a very dark place after losing Jake. One of his close friends organized a fundraiser in his name and contacted AFSP to have someone talk at the event. That was our first interaction with this amazing organization. A few months later, we participated in our first Community Walk.

AMY
That was the San Francisco Community Walk, in the Fall of 2008. Jake was my little brother, and MJ is my stepmom.

Our family was having a tough time processing the fact that Jake was gone. I was a new mother, and I couldn't imagine what MJ was going through, losing her youngest child.

At that first Walk, it felt like we'd found this huge community that could help us in some way. But we had NO idea how much AFSP would end up impacting our lives for the better. After that, we started participating as a family and large group of friends in the San Francisco Community Walk each fall.

MJ
The Community Walks became an opportunity not just to receive support, but to help others. In 2014 I ran into an old teacher I hadn’t seen since before Jake’s death. She shared that her nephew had died by suicide many years earlier, and that her sister and family had never come to grips with that reality. I encouraged her and her family to join us at the Walk. At the beginning of the Walk, the family told me of their reluctance, and that they would likely only walk a short distance. I walked with them, sharing my journey and listening as they slowly opened up about their own. They walked the entire Walk with me! The following year happened to be the 20th anniversary of their loss, and they formed their own team with more than 20 walkers! It was a truly healing experience for all of us.

AMY
Our first Overnight Walk was in 2015, in Dallas. We had heard about The Overnight for years. People drive or fly in from all over the country to attend. But we felt like we just couldn't do it: walking 16+ miles overnight seemed intimidating. But we couldn't have been more wrong! It changed our lives for the better, and we look forward to it every year.

MJ
We were nervous but excited about attending that first Overnight. We wore San Francisco Giants clothing in acknowledgment of Jake’s favorite team. We met lots of fantastic people: some new to their loss, some who had lost a loved one many years previously, and those who have struggled with their own darkness. We all shared common emotions of sadness, but also of love, sharing and hope.

As we finished the Walk, we arrived at the lighted luminaria bags, which Walkers decorate with photos and expressions of the person they’ve lost. This is one of the highlights for me: a symbol of our loved ones lighting the way for us. Even after walking 16+ miles, we were energized and smiling. Walking both figuratively and literally “Out of the Darkness” was truly an amazing feeling!

AMY
My family and I moved to Bend, Oregon in 2016, but my dad and MJ were still living near San Francisco. They participated in that year's San Francisco Community Walk and accepted an award on behalf of Team Jake Millertime, in recognition of their involvement and the funds they’d raised over the years. That fall, we kicked off our new Community Walk in Bend, Oregon.

MJ
The Overnight became an annual tradition for us to see each other. Amy and I attended the Overnight in San Francisco in 2016, San Diego in 2017, then back to Dallas in 2018, Boston in 2019 and (after a break due to Covid) New York City in 2022.

AMY
My experience with the Overnight deepens every year. I get so much from the Overnight community, which has become like family to us. We’ve received so much generosity and genuine love and friendship. We try to give back as much as we get. I am profoundly more educated on mental health then when we started, and I will talk about it anywhere at any time with anyone. I want people to feel as comfortable talking about their mental health as they would a broken bone or a cold.

I was proud to be acknowledged as a North Star, in recognition of individuals who have raised at least $10k, for Boston in 2019, and then alongside MJ for New York City in 2022. Those funds make so much important work possible.

MJ
AFSP and the Walks wrap us in a blanket of love and support. Each year we return to our AFSP Overnight “family” of Walkers, staff, and beloved friends. And each year, that group grows as we meet new people. AFSP has been and remains a beautiful blessing in my life. Amy’s father and I now live in Oregon, about 20 miles away from Amy, in Sisters. So now we attend the Community Walk in Bend, Oregon together! Everything comes full circle.

Jake’s life, essence, spirit and light continue to shine through me. We can see positive movement ahead in terms of our culture’s understanding of mental health and suicide. I know Jake is clapping and cheering all of us on in our efforts to bring light and hope to those who struggle, and the people who love them.