I have attempted to take my own life. That does not mean I am broken.

I first came across the Out of the Darkness Community Walk in Binghamton, New York while looking on Facebook for support groups in my area. That was six years ago, when I was in a dark place in my life. I had recently made two suicide attempts after many years of domestic abuse, and feeling unable to be the mother I wanted to be for my kids at the time.

I don’t think I was ready at that time to admit to myself that I needed support to deal with what I was going through – but something compelled me to show up to that first Walk.

I remember I was anxious because I didn’t know what to expect, and I didn’t know anyone. But as soon as I arrived, a lady greeted me with a smile and explained the Honor Beads to me. She pointed over to a table of different colored beads, each one representing a different personal connection to the cause. Red beads represent the loss of a spouse or partner; White the loss of a child; Gold the loss of a parent; etc. Green beads represent personal struggle. That was me.

I looked around, and was shocked to see so many people with green-colored beads. Seeing all these other people with the same color bead as me, it felt like we had an unshakable bond.

For years, I didn’t have anyone I could talk to. My family was too afraid to discuss anything related to mental health. They acted like my attempt had never happened. I think they were worried that if we talked about it, I would revert back to how I was feeling when I made my attempts.

Once I started to hear other people’s stories at the Walk, I felt for the first time like it was okay for me to open up and start to deal with my past.

I left that Walk and knew I wanted to keep coming back.

As time went on, I began attending my local Walk each year. I had found a community where I could talk about what I was going through, and people understood. I’d found other people like me who wanted to make a tough situation into a good thing.

I started to talk more openly about mental health and my experience with my friends and family, too. My family now support me at the Walks. At each Walk, after I register, I go over to pick up my Honor Beads.

I wear a number of beads: Purple (loss of a friend or relative); Green (personal struggle or attempt); Teal (supporting someone who struggles or who has attempted; and Blue (supporting suicide prevention.) I wear Purple because I have lost three close friends to suicide. Teal is for a close family member who experiences depression and has made an attempt. Supporting that person after their attempt was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I now know of the wonderful support that exists through AFSP.

I have a great relationship with my family and my fiancé now. I know I will have depression the rest of my life. That does not mean I will let it hold me back from anything. I take my feelings and I talk about them. Thanks to AFSP I have learned it’s okay to not be okay. When I am not okay, I get the help I need – and that is what’s important.

Being a part of the AFSP community has given me purpose and has made me feel like I survived my struggles for a reason. I encourage anyone who has battled depression – or who has lost someone or who supports someone – to be a part of this community. Let it give you strength, just as it has done for me. We are all in this together.